my daughters

I love this picture that I took of Alaina today. She is taking care of her baby by wiping it's bum. She did this not too long after I had changed her diaper.

It's moments like these that cause me to reflect on my role as a mother. It seems so innocent and cute how she is mimicking what I do for her, but it makes me ponder the even bigger picture. She is a mommy in training. And that is not an insignificant thing.

I struggle a lot with feelings of being inadequate at mothering. Just the other day I told someone that "I'm not a natural mother". I guess I don't know what I really mean by saying that, I just don't feel like I am doing that great of a job most of the time...maybe not most of the time, but often. I was never the girl who dreamed of nothing but being a mother and having babies. I always figured I would, but it intimidated me more than excited me. And now that I am here, I feel the pressure.

Being a good...no, great mom is something I think about often. I still search for what it means though...to be a great mom-to my girls specifically. It could mean something very different to each of my children. And what I think would make me a great mom, and how I act on that interpretation, may not be the same as what my children's definition or interpretation may be. Does that make sense?

I think it means being selfless. I mean really, truly selfless. I can think of a million ways that I am NOT that. But I know what I need to work on and that's a start. There are so many things pulling my attention in all kinds of directions. Some, are worth nothing and their cost is a price I do not want to pay.

It occurred to me recently that one way I might go about achieving this is to think of myself as teaching my daughters how to be what I think would be a great mom. It helps me to focus on what I am doing, or in many cases, not doing-and to think about how my actions and words are teaching them what kind of mom to be.

I think this has occurred to me as I listen to how Katelyn speaks to Alaina. Thankfully, there are many more sweet, kind and loving moments where Katelyn is a great older sister, but there are also times when I hear a distinct imitation of me, and it makes me cringe.

I know I won't always be perfect, but I will keep fighting against myself and my weaknesses so that I can hopefully be an influence for good in the lives of my "mommies in training".