self worth

Recently I have been reflecting a lot on the topic of self worth. This is an area that has been a struggle for me. Sometimes I have struggled more and sometimes I have struggled less with it.

We had a great talk in Sacrament Meeting today (3/24) that touched on this topic. I wish I had been taking notes, but the one thing I thought to scribble down quickly was this: "those who are proud look to the world to find value". I felt like that could apply to me during certain times of my life.

I just told someone recently that I am really good at being really hard on myself. I think I always have been. We don't need to analyze the "why's" of that in this setting, but it's the truth and I can admit that. I could probably very easily make a list of all the reasons why I am seemingly not good enough. But you would all think I am crazy and it wouldn't do any good anyway, because deep down I know I am good enough. Although, we just can't ignore the fact that many of us struggle with this.

It has been very beneficial to me to take steps to overcome some of these negative feelings about myself. One of the areas I had really been beating myself up over was that I was not being a very good mother. I was fortunate enough to spend several months last year doing some counseling, that was quite effective in helping me overcome the strong negative thoughts I had about myself as a mother. I have calmed down so much in the last year. I am not quite as impatient with myself or my kids, and although I don't necessarily feel like I deserve a blue ribbon or an award for mother of the year, I know I am a good mother and am doing the best I can and trying to learn all the time.

I guess I have been trying to figure out who I am in this new role and chapter of my life and I am hopeful that the answers are coming.

Comparing ourselves to others is such an effective trap that Satan uses. I often struggle with this. Some of the things I compare to others about myself are: college education, musical talents, likeability, wealth, size of my house, appearance, etc. And ALL of it is worldly.

I have been going through some talks on lds.org

Here are some quotes I like that are really uplifting:

"God knows that some of the greatest souls who have ever lived are those who will never appear in the chronicles of history. They are the blessed, humble souls who emulate the Savior’s example and spend the days of their lives doing good." ^{Dieter F. Uchtdorf, You Matter to Him Oct. 2011}

"Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!" Dieter F Uchtdorf, Forget Me Not Oct. 2011

"Our Father in Heaven provides the perfect example of this principle. He sees our divine nature. We are His children. The way He sees us, because of His love for us, is perfect. The mirror which He holds constantly before us, if we will only raise our sight to look, is the one in which we should trust. Its image is always true and never distorted. He reminds us, as He did Moses, “Thou art my son [or daughter]” (Moses 1:4)." Elder Lynn G. Robins, True Beauty Nov. 2008

"There is something of divinity within each of you. You have such tremendous potential with that quality as a part of your inherited nature. Every one of you was endowed by your Father in Heaven with a tremendous capacity to do good in the world. Train your minds and your hands that you may be equipped to serve well in the society of which you are a part. Cultivate the art of being kind, of being thoughtful, of being helpful. Refine within you the quality of mercy which comes as a part of the divine attributes you have inherited.

Some of you may feel that you are not as attractive and beautiful and glamorous as you would like to be. Rise above any such feelings, cultivate the light you have within you, and it will shine through as a radiant expression that will be seen by others.

You need never feel inferior. You need never feel that you were born without talents or without opportunities to give them expression. Cultivate whatever talents you have, and they will grow and refine and become an expression of your true self appreciated by others.

In summary, try a little harder to measure up to the divine within each of you. As Alma said, “Awake and arouse your faculties” (Alma 32:27)." Gordon B Hinckley, The Light Within You, May 1995

I think the point is, that we can never truly or fully depend on or look to those around us to measure our self worth. There are those we love and who love us who can build us up, but there are also those who will judge or criticize. But when we really strive to see ourselves as our Creator sees us, then the peace will come.That's what I am going to work on...

Two weeks ago in Relief Society our teacher shared a beautiful story about self worth that really touched me. When I get a hold of it I will share it....hopefully soon!

let there be light

When we moved down to the Tri Cities almost four and a half a years ago, I was so excited. We moved from a very small town and a very small church ward. And although I have a ton of fond memories of living there and the friends we made, we knew that ultimately it wasn't where we wanted to raise our family. (Although whenever we visit areas that have trees and mountains, Justin nearly weeps with longing). Anyway, I was feeling good. We moved here November 1st and that first Tri Cities winter made me almost giddy. It's no secret that I do not love the snow and winter months and coming from an absolutely awful winter, I got a bit of anxiety when I heard talk of a "big snow storm" coming to the Tri Cities. I was worried that the city of Kennewick had falsely advertised on their web page this place as being "winter paradise". Come to find out, the big storm had brought, I don't know, maybe six inches. When church was cancelled once that first winter here, it was down right comical to Justin and I. And that "winter" was when I fell in love with this place.

It was also a very good time for me spiritually. I remember moving into the ward that we are in now and feeling so welcomed and at home. I felt like my testimony was strong and I was able to get so much out of our Sunday meetings. (Maybe it's a good time to point out that I only had one child at the time who was pretty darn well behaved AND who attended nursery). Three months after moving into our house and new ward I had Alaina. It was after she was born that I started having some trials. I went through some horrific physical problems resulting in having my gall bladder removed, a year of pain and more surgery. During the same time, I had an experience involving a friend (that I don't care to discuss in detail), that really, really shook my faith. More than I would like to admit. 2010 was a terrible year for me. I was very depressed and I wasn't happy about it. I am so thankful for that one quiet moment when I realized it had a great deal to do with the physical struggles I was going through with my stomach. Being "sick" for so long can really take a toll on a person. Not only that I had a new baby and all of those nasty hormone issues. But the hardest part was having my faith shaken.

I went a long time struggling to feel that light that I had just recently been so full of. It scared me. It took me a long time to come out of that. Little by little it has happened and over the last four to six months I have really began to feel that light. I have felt my heart softened and that I have once more opened myself up to more fully enjoy the blessings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am so glad that even though my faith was shaken, that I still had enough faith to know that some of the things I had felt or experienced were not of God. They were not light, but very dark. I am so glad that I had enough faith to keep going, even if sometimes it felt like I was just going through the motions.

I am thankful for those numerous women who have been such amazing examples to me. Who have taught me so much, and who I am still learning from. I am thankful for the last several months that I have felt an extra out pouring of God's love for my little family. Not every day is perfect, and will never be, but we are blessed. And just in case anybody was wondering, I love my church and believe it is TRUE!

HOME BIRTH

So, yesterday it became publicly known that I am planning to have a home birth with this (#3) baby. I kept my mouth shut about it for a long time, only talking about it with those who I knew would most likely be supportive and trusting of my decision. I knew there would be those who were extremely skeptical, worried, etc, etc.  My nature is to be a little defensive (I think it's a genetic problem) about this, but I thought about it a lot yesterday, and I really don't want to be a defensive person and get my feathers ruffled just because someone disagrees with me about this. Truly, I understand why people worry. I used to be one of them. I have been on a long journey surrounding my beliefs about birth. It started with my very first pregnancy, of course. So just understand that this post is not coming from a defensive standpoint, but one of just wanting to share where I am coming from.

I was always the girl who was totally freaked out about the thought of birth. I could not imagine the thought of a human being coming out of my vagina (yes we say vagina in our house). I was scared of the pain (or my fear of what the pain would be like). It all just freaked me out. So, with my first pregnancy I knew I would be having an epidural. There was no question about it. No other option in my mind.

I feel very fortunate that I have always gone into labor on my own. I carry to full term and with each of my girls delivered at 40 weeks. So, with my first, labor started and when it was steady, we drove over an hour to the hospital. I was dilated to 3cm and very uncomfortable. I got my epidural fairly early and at first I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I laid around it that bed like a swollen, beached whale for 12 hours. Also, to note...this was a Saturday and I was not privileged to have my OB deliver, someone whom I really really liked and respected. It was the on-call guy. After my epidural was in, he broke my water. Right away. Looking back, I feel this was very unnecessary at that early in the game. When he saw a little blood, he immediately brought up the possibility of c-section. WHAT?!! You have got to be kidding me! I am so thankful he didn't push that idea.  Long story short, the epidural wore off at least 2 or three times. It was like going from zero pain, to off the charts pain in a matter of about 2 minutes. It was awful and I puked a lot.  I was completely unaware that I was given pitocin. My baby was facing the wrong way and I pushed (via directed pushing, meaning they were telling me when and how to push) for 2.5 hours. I never ever felt an urge to push. I was told to push like I was pooping. I personally think that is terrible advice. And I did it. And I pooped on them. And the next day I could hardly move because it felt like an oak tree had been rammed up my rear end repeatedly. It hurt to sit down for nearly 7 weeks post partum. Babies aren't meant to be pushed out uphill, (and they certainly don't come out of your butt), but that's what you have to do when you are numb and can't move. I finally had nothing left to give and consented to letting them use the vacuum to help deliver her. The vacuum severely lacerated the inside of my vagina and I had a ton of stitches. Fortunately they did not do an episiotomy, but I did tear. I'd rather tear than have an episiotomy. Also, I had pain in my back where I had the epidural for months and months following the birth. One of the things I remember is that I was not the first person to hold my baby. I don't even remember feeling a sense of urgency to want to hold her. I was absolutely exhausted. But you know what? I should have been the very first person to hold that sweet girl. Before she was covered in layers and layers of blankets.

At the same time I was pregnant with Katelyn, my sister in law was pregnant with her first baby. Due to their circumstances of having no insurance at the time, she chose to deliver at a birthing center. I remember them visiting me at the hospital while I was "in labor" and me looking at my brother in law and telling him to "not let her do that!"  Well, she did it anyway. I wasn't there, but she did it, and she handled it very well, even though it was difficult.

A couple years later I had the opportunity to be with this same sister in law when she delivered her 2nd baby. They lived in the small town of Forks, WA and she had a midwife and delivered at their local hospital. I got to witness someone having a natural childbirth. Her midwife was with her the ENTIRE time (ALL DAY), she was able to walk when she wanted, eat when she wanted, get in the shower, what ever. There was no rushing the process. She was carefully attended to the entire time. I believe it was after this experience that I started thinking more about child birth. It had a big impact on me.

When I got pregnant with Alaina I knew I wanted things to be different. The one thing I knew for sure was that I was not interested in having another epidural. I started with an OB office and then switched to a midwife who could deliver at the hospital.  When I decided I wanted to try a natural (meaning no drugs) delivery, people thought I was crazy. Justin didn't think I could handle it. (PSHH). I hired a doula. I wanted as much support as possible if I was going to do it. I read a lot of books, I took an amazing child birth class, taught by Kristina French (another doula) that taught me so much more about the birthing process and about options and about really learning to handle pain. It was so much more educational than the first birthing class I had taken at the hospital with my 1st baby. To be fair, I was in a different place at this time too, and was just focusing on the fact that I would have an epidural, so I didn't need to know anything else. The point is, I read and read and really prepared myself as much as I possibly could before going into my 2nd birth. The birth class truly changed my life in this area. I was no longer scared of birth, but saw it as a beautiful and spiritual event. Sure, I was still anxious about the unknown, but that awful fear was gone. I'll never, ever forget that.

Most of you who know me, know that with Alaina things happened very quickly. It was 1.5 hours from start to finish and she was nearly born in the car on the drive to the hospital. I loved that birth. I was on a rush for days following! And you know what, the pain wasn't that bad. It got intense at the transition period (which I didn't know I was in), but I handled it. I handled it really well, in fact. My uterus did 100% of the pushing. I couldn't stop it if I tried. My personal belief is that most women CAN handle it, if they had the right preparation for it.

There were just a couple things about Alaina's birth and the hospital factor that I didn't like. I had wanted to wait to clamp and cut the cord. It was cut right away. There was no time to discuss anything because of how fast it all went and it was just whatever doctor was there at the time. My midwife didn't get there in time because we were too focused on what was happening to call her. The doctor also had me deliver the placenta really quickly. That could have waited. And then without warning or discussing it, all of a sudden he shoved his finger up my butt. He was inserting Cytotec to help control bleeding (not that I was having a bleeding issue), is what I was told. I strongly feel that if someone is going to put a drug into your body you should be told first and have the chance to ask questions or discuss it. Other than that it was a really cool experience.

Now, this is a really long post and it you have read all of this so far, then thank you for sticking with me.

Regarding this pregnancy: I had never even considered having a home birth before. In fact, when I learned I was pregnant I set up an appointment with an OB here and planned to go that route. But to be honest, I wasn't excited about it. I just didn't want to have to do all the stuff they want you to do in the hospital. When I labored with Alaina, I didn't want to be touched or massaged or anything. I just wanted to do my thing.

The thought to have a home birth just came to me one day out of the blue. I started thinking about it, looking into it, looking into midwives in this area. I met with one. I just knew I wanted to be in the care of a really good, and traditional midwife. Not one that had to conform to the rules and regulations set forth my the hospital. My midwife is Kristin Eggleston in Prosser, WA. I have been very happy with her. I have had very, very peaceful feelings of reassurance in my decision. Justin initially said "NO!" But I am thankful that he was supportive enough to at least be open minded about it and to meet Kristin and have the chance to ask questions.

In my opinion, I do not believe that "in general" most women are really educated properly about the child birthing process. I feel like there is a lot of fear surrounding child birth, and as my midwife was saying, pregnancy is often looked at in more of a pathological way (pathology=disease).  I think the fear is a fear of the unknown. Fear from having possibly no experience.

I also believe that most people who get really freaked out about home birth, have probably not done any amount of extensive research about it. I mean, be really honest with yourself. How much real research and learning have you actually done about it? Learning for yourself and not from what you have "heard". I know I hadn't learned anything about it, and that's why I also used to think it was "crazy".

Here is a link to my midwife's website. I think it's important that before you have the urge to "freak out" about someones choice to have a home birth, that you actually learn more about it. Go through the studies she has listed. It doesn't mean that you would choose it for yourself, but it's worth learning more about.

I also want to say that I don't believe that home birth is the way to go for everybody. I also believe that with the right caretakers that a person can have a great hospital experience as well. I just think we need to learn all we can about birth, whether you want to deliver in a hospital or at home, or birth center or wherever. I believe we should be able to have some say in the process. We need to be informed about what interventions are taking place and why and how it really affects the birthing process, you and your baby. We need to be presented with both sides of the story on those interventions and have the opportunity to make a choice, not just lay there and have something happen to you. For me, that's what I felt like happened with my first birth. I just lied there for 12 hours while things happened around me. I didn't really feel that involved in what should have been one of the greatest experiences of my life.

I also think we should support each other as women and friends. It's also not helpful for any expecting mom to be told scary birth stories, regardless of where she wants to deliver her baby, even though your intentions may be good. Rather, lets promote excitement and confidence in child bearing. And thank goodness for doctors, surgeons, hospitals and medicine when they are truly needed.

Thank you for reading,
DeAnne

Five minutes ago I went out to the living room and got my laptop because I thought I wanted to write something on my blog. And...here I am five minutes later not remembering what it is I wanted to say.

I'm not sure I have blogged anything since getting pregnant with our third child. I've been documenting most of my thoughts into a digital scrapbook that will be for the baby. Sometimes I want to, and have a tendency to share everything with the world, but lately I have been wanting to keep more of it inward. I'm not really sure why.

There has always been a part of me that is very insecure. There was a period in my life where I felt like I had overcome it in a big way. And now, recently, for some reason it has circled back around a bit and I almost feel like I am having to redefine myself or find myself again in certain ways. The good thing is that I know I'll get there.

Growing up, I always really valued friendship. I really needed good friends in my life and I had them. As I have become a mother and my peers have become mothers, friendships seem to be so much different to me now. I guess it's because we have children now and our lives revolve around these little people so much. I wouldn't trade that for anything, however, I still need those real friendships in my life, yet I am left wanting, or at least wanting more.

another lost tooth

On Sunday (Nov 25th) Katelyn lost her 2nd tooth on the way home from church! Her lower front left one. Her adult tooth did the same thing as the other one and came up behind the baby tooth. The tooth fairy came and gave her another dollar! He She claims it's due to "inflation".

So I decided to let my baking gig over at the Hub go. The entire reason I wanted to do it was to try and earn extra money doing something I like. People really seemed to like the breads that I made and I sold everything I made most of the time. It just came down to the fact that it costs a lot to rent a kitchen and I couldn't make any money doing it. I am still so glad that I found the Hub and I really enjoyed meeting lots of really neat people. I'm glad I know about that place now and know where I can get quality local foods when I need them.

My Bishop and his wife recently opened a Great Harvest Bread Co here in Kennewick, and I had had a few discussions with her about the possibility of working there. After a few months of consideration on my part, I finally decided that I would turn in my application. And they hired me!!

The same day I was offered the job, I found out that I am pregnant. The timing! The pregnancy news came as a bit of a surprise. I was beginning to wonder if I had any good eggs left. Turns out I am only about 5 weeks along, which explains why I am still feeling pretty good (or in other words, not feeling nauseated). I've never been very good at waiting to tell people. I know it's early and the first trimester is the "riskiest" for miscarriage, but whatever. There you have it.

Anyway, back to the new job. I was hired for the position of making the dough. So, I make a lot of bread, right? Well, I felt like a fish out of water the first day I went in. Making bread on the large of a scale is not at all like making bread at home. Compared to that commercial mixer, my Bosch feels like a toy! 

Karri told me it was a very "vigorous" position, but I really didn't know what to expect. Oh, and did I mention the shift starts at 4AM!? Vigorous it is, but now that I have worked 3 full shifts, it feels easier. I haven't worked a full day like that in years, and it was a huge shock to my system. The 2nd and 3rd days were easier. I really enjoyed it. And it's a really fun environment to work in.

I'm just praying I can get through this 1st trimester without too much of a hassle. The smell of yeast at 4am is just not nice.

blogging & other scattered thoughts

Does anyone else feel like personal/family blogs are falling by the wayside? Meaning, it doesn't really seem like we are reading each others' stuff anymore. That leads me to ask why we blog in the first place. I mean in real honesty. I think some people do those blog to book things, but if we aren't putting it into blog form, why are we doing it? Are these blogs really going to stick around forever for our children to look at when they are grown?

Do we write posts because we want to share with our friends and families what is happening in our lives? I know the grandparents at least look at it once in a while. But if we want to share, doesn't it kind of suck when nobody leaves a comment?

I was listening to the radio the other day and it was talking about how the younger generation is having a harder time getting hired because with the technology age we are in, they really don't have the social skills that people are looking for. Basic skills such as answering a telephone appropriately, interacting with customers face to face, even having social skills to present well in an actual interview. The point of that was that we need to teach our kids this skill. 

I hardly ever call any of my friends anymore to see how they are or to just talk. I'm going to be very honest and admit that most of the time, I just don't want to. "Communicating" has gotten so convenient when we can just send a quick text or email to find out what we want to know. It's even to the point where if there was a chance that I wanted to call someone, it seems so foreign to me now, that I'm not even sure if I would know what to say or do! I should change that.

Anyway, other than that I have a pot of ham and bean soup on the stove (that I hope turns out well and will help Justin not to be mad at me anymore) and some homemade biscuits that just came out of the oven.

so many firsts

That darn tooth finally came out! Katelyn's adult tooth had popped up quite some time ago. Her baby tooth was wiggly, so we were hopeful it would come out on it's own and not have to be pulled. She really didn't want me to pull it, but it was hanging by a thread. Last Wednesday I told her she had until Friday for it to fall out or I was going to pull it out. (Which reminds me....I asked Justin if he would pull it out and he refused! What's up with that?! I thought that was a Dad kind of thing to do, but he wasn't for it.) Anyway, Friday I picked her up from school and her tooth was still attached (hardly). I told her that today was the day. However, while she was having a sandwich after school, she gasped with excitement when the tooth had fallen out all on it's own. I was relieved.

That night she was very excited about the tooth fairy coming. I struggled for a little bit on what exactly to put under her pillow. Visions of what "everyone else" had done for their kiddos were filling my head and finally I just got fed up! I didn't get presents and other crap when my teeth had fallen out. Everything seems so over the top anymore. Do I really need to get on pinterest to find ideas on how to make this milestone memorable? It's a tooth for crying out loud! Anyway. I decided a dollar was a generous enough gift. I attached a note "from the tooth fairy" and Katelyn couldn't have been more excited. Keep it simple. Nothing else was needed. The tooth fairy is gonna get cheaper by the tooth too!

3 year olds

One of Alaina's personality traits is: determination. I don't always appreciate it at this point in her life, but I hope I have enough foresight to see it as a strength as opposed to a weakness. After all, I am pretty similar. If she wants something, dang it! She is going to go for it. And that is why I snapped this picture of her. Last week I think I was lying down on my bed when she came in asking for ice cream. I told her no. She didn't throw the typical fit, she just left. A minute or so later, I heard some commotion coming from the kitchen. She had helped herself to the container of ice cream, gotten the scoop out and was diggin in. In case you are wondering....I caved and let her have some, but I did put it in a bowl first :)

She recently got a real bed! I am still in the process of painting her head/foot board so it's just on the floor at this point. After a lot of tossing and turning the other night, I went to peek at her before I went to bed and found her sprawled out like this. Cute little munchkin!

Miss Katelyn is 6 now and started 1st grade! Here she is on her first day of school, wearing her new Hello Kitty dress. She specifically requested a side pony tail for the special day.

Alaina & Katelyn. Apparently Alain thinks she needs to stick her hip out for every picture these days.

Katelyn & Ren, our next door neighbor. We usually walk to school with them :)

Katelyn going into her classroom. Her teacher this year is Mrs. Sandberg and Katelyn says she is really nice.

I love that Katelyn is back in school. I am excited for her to learn and grow and have new experiences. She is still learning how to read and it is a struggle for us to teach/help her. She gets very flustered when she doesn't get it right. A bit of a perfectionist that one. In a moment of exasperation on my part, I vented to a group of ladies on facebook and one of them volunteered to give Katelyn some reading lessons. She has a Masters in Literacy education, and I decided that it might be good for Katelyn to work with someone other than Mom or Dad, so we're going to give it a try for a bit and make sure she is on track with reading, as that is very important!

So far she says that her favorite part of school is P.E. and she was so excited to get 3 recesses. She also got to eat "hot lunch" today. I told her she could get hot lunch one time each week. She really wanted that pepperoni pizza and chocolate milk!

She is also about to lose her first tooth. Her lower front right one. Her adult tooth is coming up behind it, but the baby tooth is pretty loose, so I'm hoping it will come out on it's own and she won't need it pulled.

So many exciting and new things happening in her life. She is a sweet girl and is all about playing with her friends. She appears to be a very social creature.