let there be light

When we moved down to the Tri Cities almost four and a half a years ago, I was so excited. We moved from a very small town and a very small church ward. And although I have a ton of fond memories of living there and the friends we made, we knew that ultimately it wasn't where we wanted to raise our family. (Although whenever we visit areas that have trees and mountains, Justin nearly weeps with longing). Anyway, I was feeling good. We moved here November 1st and that first Tri Cities winter made me almost giddy. It's no secret that I do not love the snow and winter months and coming from an absolutely awful winter, I got a bit of anxiety when I heard talk of a "big snow storm" coming to the Tri Cities. I was worried that the city of Kennewick had falsely advertised on their web page this place as being "winter paradise". Come to find out, the big storm had brought, I don't know, maybe six inches. When church was cancelled once that first winter here, it was down right comical to Justin and I. And that "winter" was when I fell in love with this place.

It was also a very good time for me spiritually. I remember moving into the ward that we are in now and feeling so welcomed and at home. I felt like my testimony was strong and I was able to get so much out of our Sunday meetings. (Maybe it's a good time to point out that I only had one child at the time who was pretty darn well behaved AND who attended nursery). Three months after moving into our house and new ward I had Alaina. It was after she was born that I started having some trials. I went through some horrific physical problems resulting in having my gall bladder removed, a year of pain and more surgery. During the same time, I had an experience involving a friend (that I don't care to discuss in detail), that really, really shook my faith. More than I would like to admit. 2010 was a terrible year for me. I was very depressed and I wasn't happy about it. I am so thankful for that one quiet moment when I realized it had a great deal to do with the physical struggles I was going through with my stomach. Being "sick" for so long can really take a toll on a person. Not only that I had a new baby and all of those nasty hormone issues. But the hardest part was having my faith shaken.

I went a long time struggling to feel that light that I had just recently been so full of. It scared me. It took me a long time to come out of that. Little by little it has happened and over the last four to six months I have really began to feel that light. I have felt my heart softened and that I have once more opened myself up to more fully enjoy the blessings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am so glad that even though my faith was shaken, that I still had enough faith to know that some of the things I had felt or experienced were not of God. They were not light, but very dark. I am so glad that I had enough faith to keep going, even if sometimes it felt like I was just going through the motions.

I am thankful for those numerous women who have been such amazing examples to me. Who have taught me so much, and who I am still learning from. I am thankful for the last several months that I have felt an extra out pouring of God's love for my little family. Not every day is perfect, and will never be, but we are blessed. And just in case anybody was wondering, I love my church and believe it is TRUE!