Backtracking....June 10th

It has been seven (and a half) weeks since Elisabeth graced us with her presence. I am bursting with adoration for this sweet little girl. Babies are incredibly delicious in every way. I love her soft, warm cheeks, her sweet babies breath, I love rubbing her soft, perfect, un-calloused feet. Every inch of her is perfect and beautiful! I love the noises she makes and how she sounds like a little goat when she cries.

I've decided I need to start blogging again. I recently looked back at some old posts from when Katelyn was little and I worried that I didn't document enough after Alaina was born. So, here I go again!

Here are some pictures from Monday June 10th. We were on our way to Lincoln City, OR for our family vacation and stopped by Multnomah Falls for a much needed break from the car. The girls weren't happy about stopping at first, but once we got out they had a great time. I had no idea that that baby would be on the other side of my belly by the next day. 

Katelyn LOVES to hike and she especially enjoyed this pit stop

having fun climbing inside this tree

It was Katelyn's 7th birthday that day!

Monday night at the beach house. Aunt Tabby with the cousins in the hot tub.

 

my very swollen feet after traveling all day

This is the one picture I got of the ocean that first night...not a very good one.

Birth Story of Elisabeth Anne

So, this is what happened...

Monday morning June 10th, our family took off for our summer vacation to Lincoln City, OR. Normally, I would not have planned a trip knowing I would be 36 weeks pregnant. However, we had planned this trip back in August of last year without knowing there would be a baby in the picture when the time came. Since I have always delivered at 40 weeks and I was going to be back by Friday evening, I figured it would still be ok to go.

But first lets back up to the days leading up to that. I remember feeling very antsy, restless and kind of irritable. I was tired from thinking about having to get everything ready for this trip as well as getting final preparations ready for a home birth. Not to mention just being really uncomfortable as is usual in the final weeks. I actually remember thinking to myself that if I didn't know better I would think birth was getting really close. I just felt kind of off.

So, Monday we got to Lincoln City around 5pm. The rest of Justin's family showed up pretty soon after. My feet and ankles were horribly swollen from sitting in the car forever. I was glad to be at the house to be able to relax and enjoy family company. The kids were so excited to play with their cousins and had so much fun in the hot tub that night. We had pizza and salad for dinner. It was Katelyn's birthday that day too! She turned 7.  I had a lot of "braxton hicks" contractions that night, or at least that's what I thought they were.

That night Alaina had come down from the kids' room and wanted to crawl into bed with us. We were enjoying the luxury of sleeping in a king size bed and so it wasn't that big of a deal for her to snuggle in with us. At about 6:50 am she had started crowding my space enough that I decided I was just going to get into the other bed that was in the room and not have to worry about it. Justin got up to go to the bathroom. As I got in the other bed, I felt a leak. A leak similar to what happens when you sneeze (if you're lucky enough to have that problem). Then I felt more and more coming. I felt my pants and they were soaked. I got up to get in the bathroom and asked Justin if he was almost done because I was "peeing my pants"...or so I thought.

He got out of the way and I finished up on the toilet but it just kept coming and coming. Once I was done, I got up to get some clean pants and I felt more starting to come out, so I got right back on the toilet. By then I knew it was more than pee and I told Justin that I thought I was leaking fluid. There were small white chunks in the fluid.  I asked him to bring me my phone so I could call my midwife. She didn't answer, so I left a message, that she never got for some reason. After some time, I decided to text her. She called right away and I explained what was going on. She wasn't convinced that it was really my waters. I didn't mention the white chunks either. They looked like really small pieces of curd, you know...cottage cheese like. I thought about telling her about them, but my inexperience in knowing what it was decided to leave out that detail.

We talked about what to do. What my options were at that point. She told me to take it easy and to stay in touch with her. I didn't feel panicked or anything so I wasn't going to rush off to the hospital. I had Justin give me a blessing and I felt really calm about it all, although still super curious about what was happening.

Some of the family members felt like I should at least go get checked out and make sure everything was ok. So we found the office of a CNM (certified nurse midwife) and were able to get in to see her down in Newport, OR which was about 45 minutes away. I had contractions along the way every 15-20 minutes or so, but they only lasted about 30 seconds and I was still telling myself they were braxton hicks. Once we got to the office I could really feel myself tense up. I honestly didn't like the fact that we were out of town, didn't know this lady or anything about her practice, etc. I was so out of my comfort zone. She was really nice though and took her time with us getting as much information as possible. Her name was JoAnne Kort. She listened to baby's heartbeat, which was 143 or so. She did an exam with a speculum and confirmed that yes, it was in fact amniotic fluid and there was quite a bit.  She then checked me with a sterile glove and said I was dilated to 1cm and 50% effaced. She told me that she and I were probably going to get to know each other real well. She wanted us to go back to Lincoln City and go directly to the hospital and get checked in. I did as we were told, but I still felt somewhat uncomfortable about going there because I wasn't having any major contractions and I didn't want to get stuck there. On the way back I called my midwife again and let her know. She didn't think I needed to go to the hospital either. She wondered if it could have been a fore-bag of waters that broke. I reluctantly went to the hospital because JoAnne was following behind us and I didn't want to just ditch out on her.

When we got there and got checked in a nurse named Eileen was expecting me. She is training to be a CNM. When we got in the room, I told her how I was feeling about being there and let her know I was apprehensive because I didn't want to stay there when nothing was really happening. I was afraid of being pressured to do things to progress labor (if I was in labor) that I didn't want to do, such as be given pitocin or anything else. I told her that I didn't want to force something to happen if it wasn't time.  I still wasn't convinced that I was actually in labor.  She was wonderful and respected my feelings. She said she wouldn't officially admit us at that point. JoAnne pretty much told us that now that we were at the hospital that we really couldn't leave because the hospital would then be liable for us if anything happened. That is not what I wanted to hear. Again, Eileen came back in and was really on our side. She told us that it was absolutely up to us and if we wanted to leave, we could. I told her we would hang around for a while like JoAnne wanted. They monitored the baby for about 15-20 minutes. She was doing fine and there wasn't much going on in the way of contractions. So I got my clothes on and Justin and I took a walk around outside. I would have a few little contractions here and there. I called my sister in law Sarah to see if she would come down and bring some food. OH yeah! That's another thing, they LET ME EAT!!! I was so hungry. While Sarah was there, I thought I would try to get some rest because I was also really tired. Yeah, that never happened. I kind of lost track of the timing of everything, so my time line isn't very good, but late in the afternoon between 3-4 or so I started having some regular contractions every 5 minutes or so. They lasted anywhere from 30 seconds to just over a minute. And they were super tolerable, with only a couple that I felt like I needed to breath through. And then things seemed to die off a little. Also, when I got to the hospital they took a urine sample from me. Eileen came back and told me that the white stuff that was in there was vernix, which meant that my main bag of waters had definitely ruptured and it wasn't just a fore-bag. I let Kristin (my midwife at home) know that by text and she agreed that it was a good indication. I guess at that point I felt a little better knowing that I was there for a good reason.

So, I think we decided to go take another walk around out side. It was about 5:45 (Eileen was due to be off at 6pm).  While we were out there I started to have more regular contractions about every 2.5 to 3 minutes. Some were stronger than others. When we went back inside I decided that since I was having consistent contractions that were getting stronger, I would be ok staying at the hospital. JoAnne checked me once more at some point before she left to back to Newport for a while. Usually I am really good with details, but I'm so fuzzy on the order of things that happened. This time I was dilated to 3cm and up to 4cm with a contraction. She encouraged me to get on the birth ball, spread my legs as wide as possible and kind of roll around in a circular motion. She also told me to put my foot up and lunge while I was having contractions, to open up the pelvis and help the baby descend. Once I started rolling around on the ball, things really did pick up. The contractions steadily got stronger.  I was allowed to keep my clothes on the whole time. They also knew that back at home I was planning a home birth. Eileen asked me "one final time" to confirm that I didn't want anything for pain. I told her that was correct and she said said, "ok, we won't ask you again." And they didn't. I was actually glad that we were able to be in a small hospital if that's where I was going to have my baby.

Also, another side note: I hadn't yet done my Group B strep test here at home. Since it was too late to do one, I was an "unknown" status. They gave me the option to have the antibiotics, which would be routine in an unknown status. After I thought about it for a while I declined the test. They didn't give me a hard time about it. They were so respectful of my choices. They also never once told me they wanted to put an IV in or even a port. (YES!!!) They only did fetal monitoring around once an hour (or less) for 5 to 10 minutes.And then maybe more frequently at the end, but it was never continuous.

So when we came back in from our 2nd walk outside, I had a new nurse named Kristina. She was kind of quiet, but very nice with us. They really left us alone quite a bit to just do our thing. So over the next two hours the contractions got stronger and stronger. I had to breath quite a bit to get through them, but they were still manageable. I put the ball up on the bed and leaned over and hugged it. I just rocked on it side to side through the contractions and tried to do mini squats sometimes. I was trying to think of a mantra, but there wasn't one that stuck. I tried to remind myself to breath deep, to open my mouth, to relax my face. I thought about "letting my monkey do it" (something I read out of one of Ina May Gaskin's book). I tried to zone out sometimes, to just focus on a certain point. As they got stronger I had the urge to "relieve myself" (yay!). I think I did that twice. The second time, I stayed on the toilet for quite a while. The contractions were pretty intense at that point and I figured I was in transition. I got really hot and started stripping all my clothes off as I sat there. It must have felt good to sit on the toilet because I didn't want to get off. I felt the urge to throw up and once I did, I knew we were getting down to business. I knew the end was near. Sarah put a cool cloth on the back of my neck and then used one to wipe my forehead. The end contractions were really hard for me to breath through. They hurt so bad! I remember thinking in my head that I can totally understand why women want epidurals. But I also knew it was almost over since I had done it unmedicated with Alaina as well.

While I was still on the toilet, I felt my uterus bear down. It had begun the pushing process. Once I felt it a couple of times, we got out into the bedroom and it was right down to it. They put the monitors back on at this point and I didn't like that. Especially when they were trying to hold the lower one in place during a contraction. That hurt even more. Those final contractions were extremely, extremely intense and I think that's when I started getting more vocal. Apparently that is one of my natural coping techniques. I threw up again during one of those final contractions. The pushing contractions took over and as with Alaina it isn't something that I can stop. That part hurt much more than with Alaina. Much, much more. I felt like I got really loud, like I was screaming, but I guess it was more of a hollering. Her head just felt so hard coming out. I was encouraged by Justin and Sarah as they told me she was coming and that they could see her head. Even though it still hurt like hell. There was one point that I contributed to the pushing, adding my own pushing efforts to that of what my body was doing on its own. I wanted it over so bad! Finally at 8:21 she was born. She was beautiful! I could see her lying on the bed and she started to cry almost immediately. The doctor waited to cut the cord until he said it had stopped pulsing. It was a couple of minutes. I wish he would have waited just a little bit longer, but I am still glad he waited at all. They gave her to me right away. I just held her and held her and she pooped all over me. haha!  Even though I was really skeptical in the beginning, I accepted what was happening. No, I didn't get to have a home birth experience, but I knew that since we were so far away that there was absolutely nothing we could do about it. It is very empowering to be able to be able to make your own choices during your labor and birth. It is wonderful to not have scare tactics used on you. No one ever treated me like there was something "wrong". I was just going to have a baby, and that's it.  No one treated me like I was a ticking time bomb because my water had broken early that day. They didn't put time pressures on me, they just let it happen. That's the way a hospital birth should be. Considering the huge surprise this was for all of us and for being away from home and my providers who I had developed a great relationship with, I am really really grateful and so happy with my birth experience. I got to do it how I wanted to do it, even if it wasn't where I had originally wanted it to happen.

I think it was actually my favorite birth experience. It had purpose and it was meaningful. If that makes sense. And I got to call the shots.

When I was talking to one of the nurses after she was born. I was explaining that this time it hurt much worse than with Alaina, even though I did both naturally without any pain medication/epidural. She explained that the bag of waters can help to cushion things and since my water had broken 13.5 hours prior, that may have been why. I thought that was interesting.

Also, one of my sister in laws asked me in regards to the pain, if I were to do it again, would I have an epidural. After I thought about it, my answer would be no. I would rather go through that intense pain for a brief period of time at the end than to spend my whole labor stuck in a bed and numb. I love being able to move around freely while I am laboring. And what got me through the end when it really, reallllyyy hurt, was knowing that in just a few minutes it would be over. As soon as the baby is born, the pain is gone!!! But, that's just my preference :)

I saw this quote yesterday:

ALWAYS REMEMBER

YOU ARE BRAVER

 THAN YOU BELIEVE

STROGNER THAN YOU SEEM

AND SMARTER

THAN YOU THINK

 

 

#1 question for home-birth moms

This is usually the first question (the first one I quote below) I get asked, if anyone is going to ask anything...So I wanted to share some thoughts from Dr. Wagner's book, BORN IN THE USA (this was published in 2006)

I will now quote from the book: (I added bold-type and underlines)

"But what if there is an out of hospital birth and something happens?" This "what if" question reveals several false assumptions worth examining."

"The first assumption is that during birth things happen fast. In fact, with very few exceptions, things happen slowly during labor and birth and a true emergency when seconds count is extremely rare. Have you ever spent time in a hospital in a maternity ward? The atmosphere is not like the ER but rather, for the most part, quiet and peaceful. Regardless of what is seen in movies and television, nobody is running around. It's also important to remember that if trouble does develop, a trained midwife who is providing constant one-on-one care to the birthing woman has a better chance of anticipating it or recognizing it quickly than a labor and delivery nurse or doctor in a hospital who is responsible for several women in labor and can look in only occasionally."

"The second false assumption is that when trouble does develop, there is nothing an out-of-hospital midwife can do. This assumption can be made only by someone who has never observed midwives at out of hospital births. Again, with few exceptions, an out of hospital midwife can do everything that can be done in the hospital, including giving the woman oxygen. The condition known as shoulder dystocia (when the baby's head comes out but the shoulders get stuck) is another example. The only way to solve the problem is to maneuver the woman and baby, and that can be done just as well by a midwife in a birth center or home as it can be in the hospital. The most successful maneuver for shoulder dystocia that's been reported in the obstetric literature, by the way, is the Gaskin maneuver, named after the home birth midwife who first described it, Ina May Gaskin."

"The third false assumption revealed in the "what if" question is that if there's a problem, there will be faster action in a hospital. That might be true if the doctor happened to be in the room, but the doctor is not even in the hospital most of the time. If there's a problem, a nurse has to call the doctor, and the doctor's "transport time" to the hospital is usually as long as the woman's "transport time" to the hospital if she is in a birth center or at home."

"Within a hospital, even when an emergency C-section is indicated, it takes 30 minutes, on average, for the hospital to set up for the surgery, locate the anesthesiologist, and the like. In one study that looked at 117 hospital births where there were emergency C-sections for fetal distress, in 52% of the cases the time between the obstetrician's decision to do a C-section and the time the actual incision was made into the woman's belly was more than 30 minutes. So, when there is the need, during this thirty minutes, the out of hospital obstetrician or the out of hospital birthing woman, or both, can be in transit to the hospital. Again, this is why is it is important that an out of hospital midwife have a good collaborative relationship with the hospital, so when she calls to inform the hospital that she is transporting a birthing woman, hospital staff will waste no time in making arrangements."

 As I said on facebook earlier today, the reason I am sharing this information is because....nobody ever gives a woman a hard time if she is choosing and planning to have her baby in a hospital. But if a woman says she is planning a home birth, people either freak out, tell her frightening stories, whisper behind her back about how "crazy" it (or she) is, etc. Not only that, but Midwives are not given enough credit, or respect for their education and training and experience with "normal", healthy birth. I personally would like to see that change. 

Does it not seem strange that, in general, a C-section (or major abdominal surgery) for example, seems more acceptable and "normal" to the vast majority of people than delivering a baby out of the hospital? To me it does. And to take it even further, in some areas a woman can even ELECT to have a C-section even if it's not medically necessary. Yet not many people spread the fear mongering about those things in the way they do surrounding at-home, or out of hospital births. To me, it just doesn't make sense at all.

Here's a little more about my midwife, who is Kristin Eggleston (from her website) and her training.

She started Sunrise Midwifery in March 2009 after completing all the requirements to become a Licensed Midwife (LM) in Washington State and a Certified Professional Midwife (CPM) nationally. In obtaining her LM and CPM certifications, Kristin graduated from a three year, intensive midwifery education that included both classwork and clinical experience, as well as attending births in homes, birth centers, and hospitals in Washington, Idaho, and Texas.  To become an LM in Washington, a midwife must complete her midwifery training, pass a comprehensive exam, and attend or manage 100 births that take place in an out-of-hospital setting.  This means that the new LM has seen many normal labors and births from beginning to end, often having provided care to a woman for many months.

In comparison, a new obstetrician has often seen only cesarean sections, several vaginal deliveries, and almost no unmedicated labors and births.  They do not usually provide care to the laboring mother(s) throughout her labor and birth, let alone her pregnancy.  Most women feel safe and comfortable with the provider who knows her and her birth goals well as well as who has experience with normal, vaginal births.

Kristin's partial Curriculum Vitae
Education
2009      BA in Midwifery from the Midwives’ College of Utah
2006      Credits towards midwifery degree at Seattle Midwifery School (later Bastyr-SMS)
1996       BA in Anthropology from the University of Notre Dame
1995       Year abroad in Angers, France
Continuing Education
2012       40+ hours, encompassing gestational diabetes, MTHFR gene mutation, general midwifery and obstetrics
2012       5+ hours peer review with local midwives
Publications
Midwives and Uterine Rupture: What We Have to Offer.  Midwifery Today, Autumn 2007.

moments

Some days you want to pull all of your hair out, are tempted to say bad words, or take a flying leap off the back deck....

And then there are other days, when your heart is brimming with thankfulness for this beautiful family you have been blessed with. It comes in small, regular moments, like when you are watching a movie as a family and you have this huge couch that everyone could have their own space in, but you are all snuggled up together. Hubby by your side and two sweet girls in each arm.

Or when those two sweet girls are playing so well together. When the little one comes out dressed for church and the big one tells her how pretty she looks. Or when the big one is crying and upset and the little one tries to comfort her by telling her that everything will be ok.

It's moments when your almost 7 year old volunteers, I mean really volunteers, out of nowhere to empty the dishwasher...the best that she can, and you understand that she has a good heart and is probably going to turn out ok.

When you decide, "dangit! we WILL do this Family Home Evening thing!" and after a few weeks of consistency, your kids start asking what FHE is going to be, (even if their biggest interest might be the treat).

You just realize that doing all the "right" things that we have been taught to do is WORTH IT!! Because it really does bring your family closer together.

There have been moments when I doubted marriage and wondered what the heck I had gotten into and if this was really going to work out. But after almost nine years, I am able to see that this has been an amazing journey so far. One with a lot of ups and downs, but today I really see that I have what I always wanted...or what I always thought I wanted. I just didn't always know it before.

We have come a long way! Building a family takes a lot of work and even more faith. And I am certainly glad God is patient with us as we are learning how to do it.

As for me and my house....

Of course, we will serve the Lord, but that's not what I'm getting at here...

Last night I went to a mom's group that involved a lot of discussion about, well, being a mother and it gave me some things to think about....

I think I have written before about how the past few years I feel like I have had to figure out who I am all over again, now that I am a mom. It's been frustrating at times. I have felt pressure to do things that other moms do. One in particular that I have struggled with, is seeing many of my friends/peers have their children heavily involved in extra-curricular activities. It's kinda stressed me out a little, to be honest. You go through wondering" how on earth can I do that?" "How could I afford that?" "Will my kids be totally lame if they don't get those same opportunities?" "Why does everyone feel like their kids have to be overloaded with all this extra stuff?" I guess I am one who can get very easily overwhelmed.

Recently, some article was circulating around facebook. Something about Rage Against The Minivan....(can't find it now). It basically talked about how over the top everything has gotten. Valentine's Day treats, etc. And I was like, "Amen, sister!"

Well, this article came up last night and one mom there had a completely different perspective on it. She actually found it bothersome that so many women essentially responded the same way I did. And instead of wanting to criticize other mom's who get pleasure out of doing these ultra-crafty, ultra cute things, she felt like we should say "good for them!", that's their talent, that's what they enjoy. Basically, why should it bother any of the rest of us if some mom's want to go out of their way to make things extra special on the Holidays? I had never considered that outlook before.

So when I got home, I was trying to process some of the things going through my mind. I needed to pray, so I did. And I think, just maybe, possibly a little, tiny, maybe dim light when on in my mind...I struggle to get this out because I don't formulate my thoughts into words very well.

So, I decided that it's OK if I feel like Holidays have gotten a little outta control. Because deep down, I really do feel that way (at least at this point). However, it doesn't need to bother me if someone else I know, or don't know, wants to go crazy with it.  It's OK if I am not comfortable with my kids being in multiple extra-curricular activities, but it doesn't have to stress me out if other moms choose to do that.

Maybe in the past it has frustrated me because I wasn't really sure where I stood on certain things. But now I am starting to understand that as for me and my house....we WILL do certain things and we WON'T do other things. And that is OK.

I needed to remember that we are all "wired" differently and can all take on certain tasks at varying degrees. We all have different thresholds and mine is different than anyone elses. And that's OK too. 

DeAnne

for encouragement and uplifting

*this is going around on facebook today and I wanted to copy it down so I could refer back to it when needed. It's beautiful!

Invisible Mother

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way
one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be
taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping
the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see
me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of
hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock
to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is
the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?,
What's for dinner?'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes
that studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared
into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's
going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a
friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she
was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there,
looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to
compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she
turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you
this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly
sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'With admiration
for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover
what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could
pattern my work:

1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record
of their names.

2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never
see finished.

3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

4) The passion of their building was fuelled by their faith that the
eyes of God saw everything.

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird
on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man,
'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that
will be covered by
the roof. No one will ever see it'

And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost
as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you
make every day, even when no one around you does.

No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've
baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to
notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see
right now what it will become.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of
the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work
on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went
so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime
because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the
morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3
hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a
monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there
is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it
there...'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're
doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel,
not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the
world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know.... I just did.

The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect
you.

To all the wonderful mothers out there!! God bless and keep you.

self worth

Recently I have been reflecting a lot on the topic of self worth. This is an area that has been a struggle for me. Sometimes I have struggled more and sometimes I have struggled less with it.

We had a great talk in Sacrament Meeting today (3/24) that touched on this topic. I wish I had been taking notes, but the one thing I thought to scribble down quickly was this: "those who are proud look to the world to find value". I felt like that could apply to me during certain times of my life.

I just told someone recently that I am really good at being really hard on myself. I think I always have been. We don't need to analyze the "why's" of that in this setting, but it's the truth and I can admit that. I could probably very easily make a list of all the reasons why I am seemingly not good enough. But you would all think I am crazy and it wouldn't do any good anyway, because deep down I know I am good enough. Although, we just can't ignore the fact that many of us struggle with this.

It has been very beneficial to me to take steps to overcome some of these negative feelings about myself. One of the areas I had really been beating myself up over was that I was not being a very good mother. I was fortunate enough to spend several months last year doing some counseling, that was quite effective in helping me overcome the strong negative thoughts I had about myself as a mother. I have calmed down so much in the last year. I am not quite as impatient with myself or my kids, and although I don't necessarily feel like I deserve a blue ribbon or an award for mother of the year, I know I am a good mother and am doing the best I can and trying to learn all the time.

I guess I have been trying to figure out who I am in this new role and chapter of my life and I am hopeful that the answers are coming.

Comparing ourselves to others is such an effective trap that Satan uses. I often struggle with this. Some of the things I compare to others about myself are: college education, musical talents, likeability, wealth, size of my house, appearance, etc. And ALL of it is worldly.

I have been going through some talks on lds.org

Here are some quotes I like that are really uplifting:

"God knows that some of the greatest souls who have ever lived are those who will never appear in the chronicles of history. They are the blessed, humble souls who emulate the Savior’s example and spend the days of their lives doing good." ^{Dieter F. Uchtdorf, You Matter to Him Oct. 2011}

"Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!" Dieter F Uchtdorf, Forget Me Not Oct. 2011

"Our Father in Heaven provides the perfect example of this principle. He sees our divine nature. We are His children. The way He sees us, because of His love for us, is perfect. The mirror which He holds constantly before us, if we will only raise our sight to look, is the one in which we should trust. Its image is always true and never distorted. He reminds us, as He did Moses, “Thou art my son [or daughter]” (Moses 1:4)." Elder Lynn G. Robins, True Beauty Nov. 2008

"There is something of divinity within each of you. You have such tremendous potential with that quality as a part of your inherited nature. Every one of you was endowed by your Father in Heaven with a tremendous capacity to do good in the world. Train your minds and your hands that you may be equipped to serve well in the society of which you are a part. Cultivate the art of being kind, of being thoughtful, of being helpful. Refine within you the quality of mercy which comes as a part of the divine attributes you have inherited.

Some of you may feel that you are not as attractive and beautiful and glamorous as you would like to be. Rise above any such feelings, cultivate the light you have within you, and it will shine through as a radiant expression that will be seen by others.

You need never feel inferior. You need never feel that you were born without talents or without opportunities to give them expression. Cultivate whatever talents you have, and they will grow and refine and become an expression of your true self appreciated by others.

In summary, try a little harder to measure up to the divine within each of you. As Alma said, “Awake and arouse your faculties” (Alma 32:27)." Gordon B Hinckley, The Light Within You, May 1995

I think the point is, that we can never truly or fully depend on or look to those around us to measure our self worth. There are those we love and who love us who can build us up, but there are also those who will judge or criticize. But when we really strive to see ourselves as our Creator sees us, then the peace will come.That's what I am going to work on...

Two weeks ago in Relief Society our teacher shared a beautiful story about self worth that really touched me. When I get a hold of it I will share it....hopefully soon!

let there be light

When we moved down to the Tri Cities almost four and a half a years ago, I was so excited. We moved from a very small town and a very small church ward. And although I have a ton of fond memories of living there and the friends we made, we knew that ultimately it wasn't where we wanted to raise our family. (Although whenever we visit areas that have trees and mountains, Justin nearly weeps with longing). Anyway, I was feeling good. We moved here November 1st and that first Tri Cities winter made me almost giddy. It's no secret that I do not love the snow and winter months and coming from an absolutely awful winter, I got a bit of anxiety when I heard talk of a "big snow storm" coming to the Tri Cities. I was worried that the city of Kennewick had falsely advertised on their web page this place as being "winter paradise". Come to find out, the big storm had brought, I don't know, maybe six inches. When church was cancelled once that first winter here, it was down right comical to Justin and I. And that "winter" was when I fell in love with this place.

It was also a very good time for me spiritually. I remember moving into the ward that we are in now and feeling so welcomed and at home. I felt like my testimony was strong and I was able to get so much out of our Sunday meetings. (Maybe it's a good time to point out that I only had one child at the time who was pretty darn well behaved AND who attended nursery). Three months after moving into our house and new ward I had Alaina. It was after she was born that I started having some trials. I went through some horrific physical problems resulting in having my gall bladder removed, a year of pain and more surgery. During the same time, I had an experience involving a friend (that I don't care to discuss in detail), that really, really shook my faith. More than I would like to admit. 2010 was a terrible year for me. I was very depressed and I wasn't happy about it. I am so thankful for that one quiet moment when I realized it had a great deal to do with the physical struggles I was going through with my stomach. Being "sick" for so long can really take a toll on a person. Not only that I had a new baby and all of those nasty hormone issues. But the hardest part was having my faith shaken.

I went a long time struggling to feel that light that I had just recently been so full of. It scared me. It took me a long time to come out of that. Little by little it has happened and over the last four to six months I have really began to feel that light. I have felt my heart softened and that I have once more opened myself up to more fully enjoy the blessings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am so glad that even though my faith was shaken, that I still had enough faith to know that some of the things I had felt or experienced were not of God. They were not light, but very dark. I am so glad that I had enough faith to keep going, even if sometimes it felt like I was just going through the motions.

I am thankful for those numerous women who have been such amazing examples to me. Who have taught me so much, and who I am still learning from. I am thankful for the last several months that I have felt an extra out pouring of God's love for my little family. Not every day is perfect, and will never be, but we are blessed. And just in case anybody was wondering, I love my church and believe it is TRUE!

HOME BIRTH

So, yesterday it became publicly known that I am planning to have a home birth with this (#3) baby. I kept my mouth shut about it for a long time, only talking about it with those who I knew would most likely be supportive and trusting of my decision. I knew there would be those who were extremely skeptical, worried, etc, etc.  My nature is to be a little defensive (I think it's a genetic problem) about this, but I thought about it a lot yesterday, and I really don't want to be a defensive person and get my feathers ruffled just because someone disagrees with me about this. Truly, I understand why people worry. I used to be one of them. I have been on a long journey surrounding my beliefs about birth. It started with my very first pregnancy, of course. So just understand that this post is not coming from a defensive standpoint, but one of just wanting to share where I am coming from.

I was always the girl who was totally freaked out about the thought of birth. I could not imagine the thought of a human being coming out of my vagina (yes we say vagina in our house). I was scared of the pain (or my fear of what the pain would be like). It all just freaked me out. So, with my first pregnancy I knew I would be having an epidural. There was no question about it. No other option in my mind.

I feel very fortunate that I have always gone into labor on my own. I carry to full term and with each of my girls delivered at 40 weeks. So, with my first, labor started and when it was steady, we drove over an hour to the hospital. I was dilated to 3cm and very uncomfortable. I got my epidural fairly early and at first I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I laid around it that bed like a swollen, beached whale for 12 hours. Also, to note...this was a Saturday and I was not privileged to have my OB deliver, someone whom I really really liked and respected. It was the on-call guy. After my epidural was in, he broke my water. Right away. Looking back, I feel this was very unnecessary at that early in the game. When he saw a little blood, he immediately brought up the possibility of c-section. WHAT?!! You have got to be kidding me! I am so thankful he didn't push that idea.  Long story short, the epidural wore off at least 2 or three times. It was like going from zero pain, to off the charts pain in a matter of about 2 minutes. It was awful and I puked a lot.  I was completely unaware that I was given pitocin. My baby was facing the wrong way and I pushed (via directed pushing, meaning they were telling me when and how to push) for 2.5 hours. I never ever felt an urge to push. I was told to push like I was pooping. I personally think that is terrible advice. And I did it. And I pooped on them. And the next day I could hardly move because it felt like an oak tree had been rammed up my rear end repeatedly. It hurt to sit down for nearly 7 weeks post partum. Babies aren't meant to be pushed out uphill, (and they certainly don't come out of your butt), but that's what you have to do when you are numb and can't move. I finally had nothing left to give and consented to letting them use the vacuum to help deliver her. The vacuum severely lacerated the inside of my vagina and I had a ton of stitches. Fortunately they did not do an episiotomy, but I did tear. I'd rather tear than have an episiotomy. Also, I had pain in my back where I had the epidural for months and months following the birth. One of the things I remember is that I was not the first person to hold my baby. I don't even remember feeling a sense of urgency to want to hold her. I was absolutely exhausted. But you know what? I should have been the very first person to hold that sweet girl. Before she was covered in layers and layers of blankets.

At the same time I was pregnant with Katelyn, my sister in law was pregnant with her first baby. Due to their circumstances of having no insurance at the time, she chose to deliver at a birthing center. I remember them visiting me at the hospital while I was "in labor" and me looking at my brother in law and telling him to "not let her do that!"  Well, she did it anyway. I wasn't there, but she did it, and she handled it very well, even though it was difficult.

A couple years later I had the opportunity to be with this same sister in law when she delivered her 2nd baby. They lived in the small town of Forks, WA and she had a midwife and delivered at their local hospital. I got to witness someone having a natural childbirth. Her midwife was with her the ENTIRE time (ALL DAY), she was able to walk when she wanted, eat when she wanted, get in the shower, what ever. There was no rushing the process. She was carefully attended to the entire time. I believe it was after this experience that I started thinking more about child birth. It had a big impact on me.

When I got pregnant with Alaina I knew I wanted things to be different. The one thing I knew for sure was that I was not interested in having another epidural. I started with an OB office and then switched to a midwife who could deliver at the hospital.  When I decided I wanted to try a natural (meaning no drugs) delivery, people thought I was crazy. Justin didn't think I could handle it. (PSHH). I hired a doula. I wanted as much support as possible if I was going to do it. I read a lot of books, I took an amazing child birth class, taught by Kristina French (another doula) that taught me so much more about the birthing process and about options and about really learning to handle pain. It was so much more educational than the first birthing class I had taken at the hospital with my 1st baby. To be fair, I was in a different place at this time too, and was just focusing on the fact that I would have an epidural, so I didn't need to know anything else. The point is, I read and read and really prepared myself as much as I possibly could before going into my 2nd birth. The birth class truly changed my life in this area. I was no longer scared of birth, but saw it as a beautiful and spiritual event. Sure, I was still anxious about the unknown, but that awful fear was gone. I'll never, ever forget that.

Most of you who know me, know that with Alaina things happened very quickly. It was 1.5 hours from start to finish and she was nearly born in the car on the drive to the hospital. I loved that birth. I was on a rush for days following! And you know what, the pain wasn't that bad. It got intense at the transition period (which I didn't know I was in), but I handled it. I handled it really well, in fact. My uterus did 100% of the pushing. I couldn't stop it if I tried. My personal belief is that most women CAN handle it, if they had the right preparation for it.

There were just a couple things about Alaina's birth and the hospital factor that I didn't like. I had wanted to wait to clamp and cut the cord. It was cut right away. There was no time to discuss anything because of how fast it all went and it was just whatever doctor was there at the time. My midwife didn't get there in time because we were too focused on what was happening to call her. The doctor also had me deliver the placenta really quickly. That could have waited. And then without warning or discussing it, all of a sudden he shoved his finger up my butt. He was inserting Cytotec to help control bleeding (not that I was having a bleeding issue), is what I was told. I strongly feel that if someone is going to put a drug into your body you should be told first and have the chance to ask questions or discuss it. Other than that it was a really cool experience.

Now, this is a really long post and it you have read all of this so far, then thank you for sticking with me.

Regarding this pregnancy: I had never even considered having a home birth before. In fact, when I learned I was pregnant I set up an appointment with an OB here and planned to go that route. But to be honest, I wasn't excited about it. I just didn't want to have to do all the stuff they want you to do in the hospital. When I labored with Alaina, I didn't want to be touched or massaged or anything. I just wanted to do my thing.

The thought to have a home birth just came to me one day out of the blue. I started thinking about it, looking into it, looking into midwives in this area. I met with one. I just knew I wanted to be in the care of a really good, and traditional midwife. Not one that had to conform to the rules and regulations set forth my the hospital. My midwife is Kristin Eggleston in Prosser, WA. I have been very happy with her. I have had very, very peaceful feelings of reassurance in my decision. Justin initially said "NO!" But I am thankful that he was supportive enough to at least be open minded about it and to meet Kristin and have the chance to ask questions.

In my opinion, I do not believe that "in general" most women are really educated properly about the child birthing process. I feel like there is a lot of fear surrounding child birth, and as my midwife was saying, pregnancy is often looked at in more of a pathological way (pathology=disease).  I think the fear is a fear of the unknown. Fear from having possibly no experience.

I also believe that most people who get really freaked out about home birth, have probably not done any amount of extensive research about it. I mean, be really honest with yourself. How much real research and learning have you actually done about it? Learning for yourself and not from what you have "heard". I know I hadn't learned anything about it, and that's why I also used to think it was "crazy".

Here is a link to my midwife's website. I think it's important that before you have the urge to "freak out" about someones choice to have a home birth, that you actually learn more about it. Go through the studies she has listed. It doesn't mean that you would choose it for yourself, but it's worth learning more about.

I also want to say that I don't believe that home birth is the way to go for everybody. I also believe that with the right caretakers that a person can have a great hospital experience as well. I just think we need to learn all we can about birth, whether you want to deliver in a hospital or at home, or birth center or wherever. I believe we should be able to have some say in the process. We need to be informed about what interventions are taking place and why and how it really affects the birthing process, you and your baby. We need to be presented with both sides of the story on those interventions and have the opportunity to make a choice, not just lay there and have something happen to you. For me, that's what I felt like happened with my first birth. I just lied there for 12 hours while things happened around me. I didn't really feel that involved in what should have been one of the greatest experiences of my life.

I also think we should support each other as women and friends. It's also not helpful for any expecting mom to be told scary birth stories, regardless of where she wants to deliver her baby, even though your intentions may be good. Rather, lets promote excitement and confidence in child bearing. And thank goodness for doctors, surgeons, hospitals and medicine when they are truly needed.

Thank you for reading,
DeAnne

Five minutes ago I went out to the living room and got my laptop because I thought I wanted to write something on my blog. And...here I am five minutes later not remembering what it is I wanted to say.

I'm not sure I have blogged anything since getting pregnant with our third child. I've been documenting most of my thoughts into a digital scrapbook that will be for the baby. Sometimes I want to, and have a tendency to share everything with the world, but lately I have been wanting to keep more of it inward. I'm not really sure why.

There has always been a part of me that is very insecure. There was a period in my life where I felt like I had overcome it in a big way. And now, recently, for some reason it has circled back around a bit and I almost feel like I am having to redefine myself or find myself again in certain ways. The good thing is that I know I'll get there.

Growing up, I always really valued friendship. I really needed good friends in my life and I had them. As I have become a mother and my peers have become mothers, friendships seem to be so much different to me now. I guess it's because we have children now and our lives revolve around these little people so much. I wouldn't trade that for anything, however, I still need those real friendships in my life, yet I am left wanting, or at least wanting more.