written a few days ago...
What is it about human nature that causes us to compete with one another? To compare ourselves with one another? Since having children, I have noticed that it starts as soon as they are born. We are obsessed with how big or small they are. At every well child visit, they are measured and weighed, placed on a growth curve that tracks their own rate of growth, but then also places them in a "percentile", against other children, I assume. If they happen to be anything but the first child, they are mercilessly compared to their older sibling(s). I've watched it with my own kids. Very early on my 2nd (daughter) has been getting a hard time about being "chubby" or "thick" or "solid". She is built much different than her older sister who happened to inherit very long, skinny (scrawny) legs. Once, it was basically said that she wasn't as pretty as her older sister (by a relative, no less). The truth is, she is not "chubby" or "fat" at all, she is just built differently. Even the color of her hair is compared to her sister's, all the time lately. I don't get it. And to say that she isn't as pretty as her older sister is just flat out absurd! You should see the eyelashes on this girl! Yes, I am biased, but I happen to think both of my daughters are extremely pretty.
I too, have even participated in the comparison wars. Of my own children, of myself, and of many others around me. What compelled me to write about this was when I was listening to my oldest child playing yesterday. She was playing with her dolls and creating a dialogue between them that consisted of them talking about who's teacher is better than the others (she just started kindergarten). I wondered if this was the kind of talk that was going on at recess. Are they comparing their teachers already? Come to think of it, I hear this kind of talk going on all the time when she is playing with friends from the neighborhood. It always starts with, "oh yeah? well my-such 'n such is more or better or bigger or prettier" or whatever the case may be. (You know the tone-and can see the hand on the hip, the head bobbling)
It seems that it is all based on trying to be better than someone else and why, as humans, do we apparently feel that need? Obviously it is somewhat of a natural instinct, or children wouldn't be participating in these behaviors, or would they? Or do they learn it from us adults?
I think competition can be a great motivating force, in the right setting, but even then, I wonder if there is really any true virtue in it. Ever.
My daughters may not be fully aware of the comparisons people make on them all the time, and it may not affect them now, but I just think of how damaging it would be for my second daughter to continue to be told that she is "thick" or "solid". Trust me, as a female, those words are not confidence inspiring. At all.
How do we get away from comparing ourselves against each other? And should we? I also wonder if this is an issue that affects women more than it does men?
6 comments:
Its going to happen forever. As long as they don't feel it and hear it at home, it'll help. Just teach them to love themselves and be thick skinned enough to make it through school.
SO true. I have been there hearing my kiddos make comparisons when they were little, or worse yet..saying things that perhaps they didn't mean, nor even understand, but agreeing just to 'fit in' or go along with the crowd. I can't decide which is worse? :) I think women NEEDLESSLY compare themselves all the time. I have done it, struggle to no longer do it...and wish people would be more honest about who THEY are. I have a quote that I love that reminds me to not only be less judgemental of others, but to know allow myself to BE judged by others... "The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself." ~Rita Mae Brown
I've said that to my kids since they were little and continue to say it to this day. These days, I hear my oldest son while swimming outside remind his buddies that in OUR house we don't say "butt"... Or Madelyn show admiration towards her friends and encourage one another... I remind her that even when we don't feel so great about ourselves (she is struggling right now with glasses and having "fairy ears") that sometimes boosting up one another makes us feel good ourselves.
The long of the short, BOTH your babies are beautiful, sweet, charming little girlies. Encourage them as they get older to EMBRACE their differences and build one another up... sisters (my own included) are too competitive as it is! Thankfully, I think we outgrow that stuff?? :)
And to you ma'am - I hope you have had a blessed day and know that YOU are a bright light in some many people's lives. You encourage other's with your strength in running and even your stength in writing this post! I LOVE when people speak from the heart!
There was a conference talk on this a few years ago. Try and find it at lds.org, but it talked about the dangers of comparing your children, even in harmless ways. It is hard, but always try to let your kids know that you love them. I think we all do it.
How could someone not think Alaina is beautiful!!!? I think both your girls are stunning! You are a great mom! I'm sure your girls will grow up with a realistic grasp of what's real and true contrary to what other people may say.
I love your blog. How honest and heart felt each entry is. Comparison and expectations of others is the HIGHEST level of pain. This is purely conditioned from the natural man. Satan thrives in seeing people in pain and discomfort. Heavenly Father is UN-conditional. He loves us perfectly, individually.
I cannot believe someone would say Alaina is not as beautiful as Katelyn! That makes me mad! Alaina is beautiful. I love that they have their differences in appearance, they are both perfectly fine. And who cares if Alaina is "chubby"? Maybe by the out of control view of the world. (I don't think she is.) That is ridiculous! How dare someone think that!
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