I feel the need to get some feelings off of my chest. These are feelings I have wanted to express many times, because of one reason or another. Yesterday I read something on the internet that made me feel bad. It hurt my feelings. While I know it wasn't written to me specifically, it still stung.
I want to write about my decision to bottle feed my children. Or if you want me to say it another way, why I chose NOT to breastfeed. It's personal and maybe I don't owe anyone an explanation, but maybe it will help some people out there to see things a different way. And most of all maybe it will help me put my issues with this to rest.
First of all, I reiterate. I CHOSE not to. It was a choice I made and it was a choice I made with much thought, prayer and concern for what was in the best interest of not only my children, but also for myself. Second of all, I don't intentionally want to hurt anyone elses feelings by what I might say.
I have had two children and made an attempt to breastfeed both of them. You can say that it was a weak attempt, you can say I "gave up", you can call it what ever you want. Yes, I am sensitive to this subject, maybe even a little defensive.
I was going to write about the details of what happened with each of my girls, but I don't think it's necessary. The point is, it was a very miserable experience both times. I felt so alone and isolated as I sat there in the dark of the night trying to feed my baby and struggling. The physical challenges were there, just like they are for many women. The engorgement. The sore nipples. The cracked, bloody nipples with chunks missing. The mastitis. I guess I am just too selfish, right? Whatever. I can handle pain. (Yeah, that's right I am going to play my "I had a natural birth card") Well, the decision I made was based more upon the emotional and mental pain that accompanied this process. It wasn't easy for me. We made the decision together. Justin and I, that is. We prayed about it, and Justin gave me a beautiful blessing. Dale (my step-Dad) gave me some true words of wisdom. He said to me, with tears streaming down my face, "DeAnne, God doesn't care if you breast feed or bottle feed". That was truth, to me. Like my husband said, "the choices you make for your children are made out of love".
I am so sorry to tell the breastfeeding GODS of the world- you are not better than me. Your kids are not better than mine, more healthy than mine, smarter than mine. You know that you would never want to be judged for anything you do. Well, neither do I. Especially when it comes to breastfeeding. Even those who said they supported me at the time...I could still hear the disappointment in their voices. There were times I sat in the mother's lounge at church bottle-feeding my baby and (yes, probably because of my own insecurities) wondered if I should be taking up one of only 3 available chairs to feed my baby. Guess what? It's a whole lot easier to feed your baby when you are able to sit in an arm chair. I have every right to be in there too.
You know, there are some things I have grown to love about bottle feeding. First of all, it honestly and truly was a joy for me to get to watch my husband hold his sweet new baby in his arms and feed her. Oh, and if you think I missed out on skin to skin contact, think again. Alaina and I have tons of skin to skin contact. I can't tell you how it warms my heart when she reaches up and hooks her thumb on one of my nostrils. Or gets a tiny fistful of my neck skin. Or grabs on to my ear. I love to hold Alaina and feed her. And as for bonding goes, I'm pretty sure she is crazy about me.
All I am asking is that you be a little more sensitive. Sure, statistically I am more likely to murder my child than you, but not all bottle feeding moms are cruel, heartless people. Take a climb down off that high horse and try to understand it from another perspective. Oh, and by the way. Formula isn't poison.
15 comments:
Don't ever feel bad. My sister has tried and struggled, and eventually figured out "bottle was best" for her too, with each of her 3 kids. I'm sure she feels a lot of the same pain and frustration that you do with other peoples comments and "holier than thou" attitudes about breastfeeding. You are a great mom! Breastfeeding does not determine what a great mother is! You rock!
Way to go! I wasn't able to breast feed, but I tried and tried and tried until I lost myself in it. I was pumping 8 times a day for 20 minutes and getting 5 cc's at a time. Seriously. It was so sad. I would look at the 5 cc's and burst into tears. My doctor says, "your baby needs a lot more from you than breastmilk. If you can do it, great, if not, that's why we have formula."
I would like to breastfeed if I could get it down to where I could do it without a lot of pumping. But not because I think it's healthier because I really feel great about the formula I give Gloria. I just want to do it because I'd like to see if I can. But...I probably won't be able to.
Anyway, my boobs are my business. Ha! If anyone has a problem with why I bottle feed, I say "put on your addidas and step off!"
I remember being in a stake R.S. presidencies' meeting with all the education counselors. And this very buxom lady started ranting about how terrible it was that all these young moms are refusing to breastfeed. I normally would have cried. But I just thought, "you know what? You don't have a clue what you're talking about lady!"
Different strokes for different folks. I totally relate to the loneliness, feeling lack of self-worth, feeling helpless and frustrated about breastfeeding. I'm so happy it works out for other people and I admire their dedication to it. I know it is hard for them as well, to choose to breastfeed.
Bottom line: how good a mother you are has nothing to do with whether or not your breastfeed. It's just food.
If my kids say, "you didn't breastfeed me and now I have seasonal allergies." Or whatev, I'll be like "boo hoo! At least I did such and such for you really well..." Ya know?
I don't think you need to apologize for anything. good for you! You know whats best for you and your child.
I did breastfeed both my babies, but I have many friends that can't/couldn't. I can't stand when people throw how things are 'supposed to be' in your face all the time. It's the parents decision, not everybody elses. Just like you should have an at-home natural birth and use cloth diapers because thats what they did 100 years ago?
i love reading your blog, by the way. It's not fake, your pretty blunt.
I like when people come in to the mothers room whether you are nursing or changing a diaper. It get's lonely in there. Don't feel bad, you tried, you are a good mom. Some people just can't do it! My sister had the whole chucks of nipple issue too, if I had that I'm sure I wouldn't breastfeed either. Yuck! You are a good mom!
Both you kids ADORE You, babe! I do too and I think you made the right choice, for you and the girls!!!!!!!! I Love you <3
Amen! I have gotten the look down for only breastfeeding my kids for 9 months. Honestly, all that matters is that you and your baby are healthy, safe and happy. All the kids in my family were bottle fed and I'm not crazy or damaged by it. People do need to realize that their way isn't necessarily the right way for everyone. You are a great mom!
De Anne,
Don't worry about what anyone says.. YOU know whats best for you and your baby. I only was able to breastfeed one our of my three children.
YOU are a great MOM. :)
BIG HUGS!
I'm glad that you made this post. How we choose to parent is up to us. Feeding our babies is whats important. Way to speak your mind. I'm sorry that someone was insensitive, people can be rude.
Oh, DeAnne I hope that I wasn't one of those who had disappointment in their voices. You know that I have always looked to you as an example. I don't think you realize (especially with Ezra) how much impact you had on me as a brand new mother. And I still admire your patience and nurturing way with Katelyn and Alaina.
When I look at Katelyn and Alaina, I see two beautiful, bright eyed children who bear the mark of being well loved and knowing it.
As for those people who judge...they are either insecure and want to think desperately that whatever they are doing, it is "the" right way. I think I was a little like that myself, but I hope I am a little wiser and understanding now.
Mothering is all-consuming, and you're right, no one likes to be judged. What would it be like if we all supported each other instead? I know I need all the affirmations and support I can get.
Okay, enough of my spoutings, I hope YOU can see what a great mother you are! Love you bunches!!!
Oh. Just saw this. I am afraid it was me that hurt you :( I am so sorry!
Not that it matters what I think, as I firmly believe women should make this choice for their families, but chunks of missing nipple...to me it sounds like you DID work very hard to breastfeed! Much more than those it came easy for. You deserve to feel proud of and good about the choice you made! It sounds like it was the four one for you and your family. It takes bravery to make that choice!
I don't know if you know, but I almost stopped breastfeeding at one month with my son. Latch issues; exclusively pumping...I was exhausted, angry, sad, frustrated. I was at the end of my rope, crying every day...and I said, "today is the last day I am going to try this. By some miracle it did work out that day (i really don't know how that happened), but I just want you to know that I do understand what it feels like to have to give up on breastfeeding and why it is a valid choice. It is such an emotional thing, isn't it?
When I posted what I did, as you have said, it wasn't supposed to make you feel bad (or anyone else who chose to bottlefeed). I posted it in the hopes that some of my more passionate breastfeeding-supporter friends would lay off moms who make the bottlefeeding choice. If you read the article again, you will see that is the other message in it...to give mothers the safety and space to be able to say they choose to bottlefeed, without being worried about being judged. I wanted you, and women who made the choice you did, to feel safe.
Much love. See you Saturday :)
Kristina
I have to admit a few things...
I was breastfeeding while reading this and feeling guilty...
I breastfed all my kids...
Ben 12 months while I worked at a warehouse and had to pump in a digusting bathroom...3 times a day!
Amelia 15 months and I told Chris I was staying home because I was not going to do the pumping thing again!
Emmaline I shocked the hospital lactation lady because I pumped so much that it was as if I had triplets! However with her being in the NICU so long I wanted to give up! IT was SO hard!! And the hardest trial I had was getting strep and then it spreading to my feet and having to deal with...do I give up so I can take medication to get better?? And it seemed that all worked out that I could continue breastfeeding. At the same time I am taking my kids to day care and I wasn't pumping enough...I only pump once a day (cause pumping DOES suck!) And I started coming to the realization that formula now & then is ok for my baby (I was one that felt like formula was poison...). I think the strep issue I went through was God's way of saying, "you still need ME!" And also knocking me down from my high pedestal a bit. So this baby has had formula...and I have felt guilty, but at the same time I am a lot happier than I was with my 1st child.
I admit I was one of those breastfeeding is best moms and I do feel that some people give up too soon, but at the same time it's their decision and I don't tell them how I feel either way. And then I understand the ones that have issues such as cracked nipples and mastitis.
I adore you D! I think you are the coolest person! Your lil girls are lucky to have ya!
Wow girl. You got some real feedback on this post! I've never seen anything like it. You are awesome. I couldn't breastfeed either. I was like Alicia and pumped my boobs off (almost). I remember sitting in the rocking chair for 8 hours solid with Morgan as a newborn.. switching from side to side, praying that something would come out.. orange juice, chocolate milk..anything! Thank goodness she was happy just to suck. Looking back now, I felt that I was a failure as a mother if I couldn't provide for my child from my own body. Nathan comforted me during those very low moments and reassured me that, God made babies with very short memories, and they would grow up, not knowing any different! Just makes me laugh now. But it's truth. I am extremely grateful for formula. Good news with formula? They sleep longer, and get fat faster. Which brings blessings of fat, content babies and happy mothers that don't have to worry about "leaking", and "letting down" (whatever that means!) You are great, I am so glad to know you and call you friend :)
DeAnne - I tried breastfeeding with all my boys and it stressed me out every time. I would breastfeed and then the have to bottlefeed after that because I produce fat free milk and my boys weren't gaining weight. I have made the choice with my 4th boy due soon that I will not breastfeed at all. I am putting him straight on the bottle and I just don't care what other people say. It is none of their concern, my sanity is more important then what they think. I am so glad you posted this.
I can't believe all the comments you got. Does it make you feel a little less alone? It made me feel less alone. Just one month ago I broke down at Albertsons looking at formula. I tried and tried to breastfeed. I got three months in and then lost my milk. Or at least I didn't have enough to satisfy him. I pumped, tried herbs etc.I spent all day in my cave trying to make it work. Thus, I went to get some formula to suppliment. As I was reading the ingredients/instructions I noticed it said in capital letters "BREASTMILK IS BEST FOR BABIES." I completely lost it and started crying. I hate feeding my baby at church too. I know it is often my own insecurities. Why do we feel that way? Anyway, I feel your pain. I used to be one of those moms that thought women were not doing the best for your baby if you didn't breastfeed. I nursed my first for 18 months, my second for three with the same drama. I was determined to nurse my third and it happened again. Well guess what? I'm not one of those judgemental women anymore. God has a way of showing us what is most important. I would have loved to make it work. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, but I figured it was time my husband and my other two kids got some of my attention. There are a lot of women in the same boat we are. Maybe we need to create a website for women to network. Or at least VENT. Thank you for your honesty. It made me feel better. I just tried to hide it for weeks. Many of our grandmothers were given a shot to immediately dry up their milk. Formula was considered better and many of our parents grew up on formula. Today, they drill breastfeeding into our heads and hearts. I still think it's better, and I wish I could have made it work, but I'm so glad we have formula. Truly, how did the pioneers do it? I know many in the west used goat milk. On little house on the prairie, Laura is bottle feeding her baby. Many women had wet nurses. I think it's an age old problem. It's much easier for some women than others. I just have to accept it and be ok with it. Thanks again for your thoughts.
Tell it sister! Doesn't it feel good to just let it fly? I bet the person this was for didn't even get it! You rock and your kids do love you! Screw the "all-knowing" judging peeps!
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