Last weekend we took a trip to Federal Way, WA to watch our niece Maddie swim in a big meet. We don't get to see this brother's family very often (Justin's oldest brother) and since they were coming fairly close to us, we thought we'd make the trip over to cheer her on. It made me wish I could swim. I loved the sound of the water and watching all those kids gliding effortlessly through it.We had a great time! We got to stay in a hotel for 2 nights, which I always think is kind of fun. We got to watch TV! Whenever Justin and I are in a hotel, it seems that we always end up watching the Food Network. We used to love watching that channel back when we had television at home. We especially loved watching Iron Chef America, which is exactly what we watched while at the hotel.
The girls really enjoyed getting to swim in the pool. Katelyn likes to go underwater whenever possible. Alaina loved going back and forth from the pool to the hot tub.We ate at Red Robin and Olive Garden and Wendy's. We went to the Mall. This Mall has a Target attached to it and the girls (Audrey, Katelyn and Alaina) had fun trying sun hats on.
Corey and Sarah's family came up to watch some of the swimming too, which was a lot of fun. Sarah and I got to go see The Hunger Games.
Katelyn really adores her cousin Maddie and was constantly asking to know where she was and if she could go see her. I suppose it could be a little annoying to have a 5 year old wanting to follow you around for 3 days, but Maddie was really sweet with the girls.On Sunday, we left to head towards home, but stopped in at Corey & Sarah's on the way. We ended up staying for 2 nights. We have always been really close with them. I am extremely lucky to have gotten one of my really good friends (and former roommates) for a sister in law. And she as become one of my dearest friends over the years.
The kids played and played and played together. We ate delicious homemade food. We went to the Library and to the Roslyn museum. We enjoyed sunshine and fresh air and trees. I went running with Corey and killed my lungs in their high altitude. We talked and read books and I didn't want to leave!
I reflected on some things in my life. I came to some conclusions, made some new resolves (some I am going to have to work really hard at).
Three months ago, I had a really bad day. Really bad! I refer to it as a "break down", and it was...of sorts. Truthfully, I had been leading up to this point for several months, maybe even years. I have been in conflict with myself for about 2 years actually. Struggling with my role in life, as it is right now, especially as a mother. It was a Sunday morning, Justin was working. Sundays are hard for me when he isn't there. Something small, very small happened and I snapped. There was a rage inside of me that scared me to death. So much that I thought I needed to go to the hospital. I was sure I was bipolar or something worse was happening to me. A friend took my girls for the day, Justin came home and he took me to the Crisis Center. I didn't want to go. I felt stupid and embarrassed. It makes me feel sad to think back on it, but the outcome of that day was a referral to a Counselor. And the good news is that it is exactly what needed to happen. I have gone once a week for the past 12 weeks. It is only the beginning, but I can see how it is helping already. Someone posted this on facebook today and it rang very true for me:
"It is easier to build up a child, than to repair an adult,
choose your words wisely."
choose your words wisely."
Which is exactly why it is going to take a lot longer than 12 weeks to get where I want to be. I think that the most profound thing that I have learned so far is that {my moments of weakness/imperfection/struggle, whatever you want to call it, do not define me as a whole.} I still don't' always want to believe that, but right now, it is my lifeline.
Three Rivers Counseling
Three Rivers Counseling
10 comments:
Do not feel ashamed at all! As they say on the airplane, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help the others around you to get theirs on. As a mother, we often forget to take care of our needs whether they are big or small. Glad you are taking care of you! p.s. I lived in the apartments next to the FW Aquatic Center for 2 years. Memories!
Your weekend sounds lovely. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I really love that quote too.
Oh DeAnne, I'm so glad you posted about this. I had a very similar experience over a year ago and haven't had the courage to write about it yet. We should talk sometime.
Do not feel bad about that bad day you had. Only judge yourself based on what you do with it or how you react to it. I had several days like that between Gloria and Timothy. I felt like I would lose my soul and leave my husband and my kids and go to Hell. The fact is, as a mother, you lay down your life for your friends. Period. It is the greatest sacrifice. But, as Elder Oaks quoted in General Conference this weekend: "Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of Heaven." I feel like as we try to lay down our lives, we have a natural struggle with it. For some people, they can get over it and move forward in their new role of motherhood very easily. This may be inherent in them, or it may have to do with their circumstances (husband at home to help out, discretionary money so things aren't tight, etc.). However, I feel like even those people who look like they have it all together really don't. You just never know what wars people are fighting in their hearts and we are all fighting. Like I said earlier, the best thing we can all do for ourselves is recognize either through meditation or counseling the experiences we went through in our formative years, and then not feel bad about what happened, but learn to let it go, forgive if necessary and move forward, not judging ourselves by what happened, but only judging ourselves by how we move forward. It is very easy to write and extremely hard to do. I still have a lot of difficulty with that. It's kind of the reverse for me. I am trying to "let go" and move forward as well.
That may not have made any sense. But I could literally talk to you for hours and so I was just trying to be brief (kind of funny-me trying to be brief).
Hey DeAnne,
After having all three of my daughters leave the church, you can imagine that I also struggle with Mom stuff. Still.
I went on a short road trip with Keri to Silverwood a couple of years ago. This was after she had left the church, and somehow we got talking about hypocrisy, and she said that only a few of the youth really kept the standards. I said, "well, you know, the church isn't a place for perfect people, it's more like a hospital for the fallen" and "Jesus said that the gospel net gathers of EVERY kind;" the sorting takes place over a lifetime. Everybody is just trying to learn how to do things like a Saint. She said, "Ohhh! It would have really helped my sisters and me to understand that a long time ago." And I said, "What do you think all those lessons about the Atonement were for?" and then she looked kind of sheepish and laughed. Between that conversation and a couple with my other daughters about feeling overwhelmed about having to be perfect, etc. I think it's not a bad thing for children to see us fumble, pick ourselves up, not beat ourselves up, and cut ourselves some slack. After all, we came, not to do it perfectly, but to "taste the bitter that we may know to prize the good," and Conference just told us that the issue isn't where we've been but where we end up. I mean, I know sometimes we can't help feeling bad over stuff we do and it has is role, but I sometimes wish I had emphasized mercy and optimism to the kids as much as I emphasized keeping the commandments, you know? Because it's sort of like learning how to walk and how to ride a bike when we get a body and are separated from Heaven. We are learning all kinds of spiritual skills we never had to deal with before--of course we are all going to do a lot of falling down and getting back up. Babies just get up and get up and get up. They don't spend much time thinking about the falling down they just did. Maybe that's part of what Jesus meant about becoming as a little child.
Just a thought, as much for me as for you.
Love,
Anne
Anne is very smart. And right. You can't let yourself feel bad for mistakes you made in your past when you recognized they were mistakes and apologized already for them. We all make them. And we are supposed to make them. Jamie Oliver is one of my favorite cooks on TV and he said and I paraphrase: "Some of you worst mistakes in following the recipe, end up being some of your best creations in the kitchen." I think that is true with life because when you make a mistake and learn from it, it refines you and makes you a better person than had you never made the mistake--like you were saying, it needed to happen. You will have to let go of your childhood. We all will. Even my childhood where I describe it as ideal, if I do not let it go, and I try to keep living in it rather than face reality that I'm now needing to be the adult and create that childhood for my own kids, then I will never be the mother I want to be and I will always resent having to grow up. And it has been a struggle for me because the life I had was way more luxurious and fun and exciting than my current circumstances. Go easy on yourself, way easy. You are a great mom, just look at Katelyn and Alaina---they say it all. They love you and you are the most important person to them and that's all that matters as a mom. Don't try to be Martha Stewart and create all these "magical moments" for them. Just sit them on your lap and talk to them. The simplest gestures are all you need.
Oh, I just wanted to say to that my Dad told me something when I was a teenager that has always stuck with me and helped me through my embarrassing moments, moments of shame, and my general daily mistakes: he said, "Think of each new day as practice because that's what it is." I think in general, no one day will define us but who we become consistently over time with lots and lots of practice. Whenever I feel, "I wish I could be more like that" then I try to practice until it becomes part of me. Most people don't know this about me, but I am extremely shy. Extremely. I have worked so hard to overcome it to the point where I'm the annoying friend that is constantly leaving long comments on your blog! But I still get agoraphobic before church. My hands sweat and shake and I want so bad to crawl under my bed and not go. Every single week. I make myself go. And it isn't because I dislike people. I'm just very shy and don't like crowds. No one believes me but I used to throw up before school because I was so shy about going and still was doing that into college.
DeAnne - I always, always admire your honesty. If MORE people were MORE transparent in their lives it would make this world all the lovelier to live... :)
I've done my own counseling over the year's...I remember specifically several words that I wrote on the back of their office's business card..it's in my kitchen to this very day, not a day goes by I don't read the words:
I ACCEPT myself.
I FORGIVE myself.
I can only CONTROL myself.
We know the good Lord above has forgiven us, sometimes though isn't it sad that we are so much harder on ourselves??
BIG hug. I admire you ability to fight the good fight...the only people that ever fail at something are those that never even try!
xoxo Kelly
Dearest DeAnne,
What a lovely weekend that was, spent in the very best of company!
It is special thing when one of the people I admire most in the world becomes a "soul sister". That relaxing, chatting, eating that amazing enchilada casserole you made, it was like therapy! You are more than welcome anytime.
It seems like when these things happen, it can feel like we're the only one who has this problem or feels this way. If more people were so courageously honest as you, many people would realize that we are not so different from one another. Just all trying to figure it out, to do the best we can.
I wonder if you realize how many people love you and look to you as an example, because I sure do!
Big hugs!!!
Sarah
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