God has blessed me to start another New Year! The year always starts off good when Justin simultaneously goes back on the day shift. He doesn't like the calls as much during the day, but I'm sure he likes his wife a lot more :) I nearly go cuck-coo at the end of his 4 months of night shift. Leaves at 5:15pm gets home and into bed around 6:30-7am, sleeps til 3pm. This translates to A LOTTA just mommy time. (*Somehow I always feel like I am going to be judged for complaining about Justin's schedule. Yes I know their are moms out there who have it worse. Who's husbands are gone much more and longer and whatnot, but this is still MY struggle, so don't downplay what I go through, ok?)
My friend has decided to do a "truth" post (I think every day) on her blog this month. Where so many blogs are the "image" of perfection, she has decided to just lay it all out there and not look back. And I LOVE IT! I want to do that all the time. Sometimes, I fear that I need to be more private, but there are times when I just want to say "look, here's how it really is FOR ME".
So, ya wanna really know some things about ME? If not, you don't have to read my blog.
*I have a mental illness. It is an almost daily struggle for me. I take medication. It has become more of a struggle for me as I have taken on the roll of "mother". I am a Mormon and I don't want to have any more kids. I only have 2. Two is really, really hard, for ME. I would rather have only two children and try to give them the best that I possibly can (and I am not referring to materialistic things), than to have 4 or 5 children (or whatever the most righteous number would be) -just because other people think I should- and go totally and completely off the deep end. And furthermore, it is absolutely between myself, Justin and God as to how many children we decide to have. End of story. I am not a sinner.
*It's been a challenge for me to go through this stage of life as a mom. I feel like I am constantly trying to figure myself out in a lot of ways, which has really bothered me because before I got married I thought I had a pretty good grip on that. I was just about 27 when I got married. Oh yeah, I had it all figured out. I feel like my perspective on a lot of things has changed. Sometimes for the better and probably sometimes for worse.
*I had some challenges in my upbringing that led to me having a lot of anxiety about marriage and motherhood. As as result, I was never the Mormon girl who dreamed of nothing else but getting married and having babies. (*If you were that girl, I am not condemning that in any way, because I do feel that it is a very noble desire, and I admire you for that, it just wasn't who I was). It freaked me out. I always assumed that's what would happen, but the reality of it scared me. A lot. And even after I was married there were many times that I would think that I would be perfectly content if I didn't have any children.
*After I had Katelyn, it changed. I remember a time when she was in her first couple weeks of life and I was holding her, and I thought "how could I have ever thought I wouldn't want this?" (when I decorated their play area, I found a quote that reflected that thought perfectly and I put it on the wall-post will come later).
*I love my two beautiful daughters and I am not a kid-hater in anyway. I just know what I experience and what's best for my well-being. Maybe God has a different plan in mind and if so, then I will accept what He has to offer. If not, I am content with what I have been given and hope I can care for these girls to the best of my ability.
7 comments:
The playroom looks gorgeous, and I think you'd be surprised to find out that a lot of moms struggle with those same things. Keep doing what you're doing. You're awesome!!
There's is something really liberating about laying it all out there for everyone. It's very freeing. I don't think there's anything wrong with you for not wanting more kids or being anxious about marriage. Like you said, it's between you, Justin and Heavenly Father. It's nobody else' business. I'm grateful for the time I got to live with you. You taught me so much and really helped me cross that bridge from childhood to adulthood. Now, I read your blog to see how I can be a better mom and wife. Your opinion and insights will always be important to me. Love you Big D Mama!
I JUST saw this post DeAnne! Thank you for "laying it all out there". You choked me up! I think the more I learn about the *truths* that make-up the women I call my friends makes me love them all the more - including you!!
You are an amazing mother. You do not need to ever feel one least bit like hanging your head down. You keep that head up, ya hear?! Your daughters are going to change and grow and be in different phases. You will find that you really enjoy some phases, and nearly despise other phases. Remember you are never alone. God hears all of your thoughts and prayers to Him. He will help you and strengthen you and uplift you. Isaiah 41:10. I know you didn't ask for a lecture, and believe me, I am not lecturing from a seat of "having it all together." I've been through the worst of it in terms of depression and rage and anxiety and hopelessness. A foolish person would pretend there isn't a problem and try to "control" it. A smart person would accept the medical advances that our Father in Heaven has blessed us with and move on with her life. You know for a fact you can always, always call me. I will never judge because I'm in no place to. I love you, DeAnne!
Some the the women I admire the most have 2 children. 2 children is a great number! Robin Foster has 2, my best friend Ashley Cross (Ogden, UT) has 2. My sister Tiffany Mouritsen has 2! Two is awesome! You do not appreciate in worth as a mother the more children you have. You appreciate in worth as a mother the more sincere your mothering. Cheers to you!!! I love you!!
If anyone thinks you are less because you don't want to have more children, then shame on them. I don't think, no I know, there is nothing wrong with not wanting more children. In my Family Foundations class, we spent a week talking about "birth control". At first I thought it was a really strange topic, but once I got into the material, I realized it was a much bigger issue that I would have thought before. The main message in that weeks material was that a husband and wife need to think first about the HEALTH and well-being of the mother, even if they can afford more kids, they shouldn't have more if the mother's health and well-being would be put in question. then they need to take it to the Lord. I applaud you for being honest with yourself. That is the hardest thing to do. You don't need to feel the need to "measure" up to others. If more people took that approach, the world would be a better place in many, many aspects.
I love your honest post here. I've been loving Kelly's as well. I love the kind of people who are just out with it. I sometimes have conversations with people and then later on in my mind think, why did I say that?!? Sheesh, I was too open, or I should just keep my mouth shut next time and just talk about the little things in life. Small talk. But that's just not who I am. I'm usually an open book. I really appreciate people who are open and honest about who they really are. They are much easier to be friends with and I think when we know what are friends are going through, we can be a better friend to them. Thanks for sharing everything you did here. BTW, we all need to get together soon to chit chat or whatever.
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